Who Is My Neighbor?

“All I did was clean it mom.”  That’s what my son told me recently when we were talking at one of our visit’s.  And, he was right.  Years earlier we had purchased a hand mixer from a garage sale for $1.00 because I needed one and as the sole provider we were on a tight budget.  When we plugged it in and found it didn’t work, I thought…oh well, at least we didn’t spend a lot of money on it.  Chris asked if he could work on it and I told him, “Sure.”  What would it hurt?  A few grease stains on the carpet later, he plugged it in and….it worked like a charm!!  I didn’t know what he had done at the time and it was years later that he told me that all he had done was clean it.

That is how life is.  We just need to clean it every once in a while.  For me, that happens when I let God wash me in the blood of Christ.  (I did say, when I let Him…..more on that later.)  I build up “gunk,” (that’s a technical term!!)  Gunk sticks to us like….small particles of magnetized coffee grinds stick to the grinder.  It just keeps building up and building up until the grinder, or the mixer, or, our lives just stop working.  We have to make a conscious effort to clean out the gunk.  That happens when we turn to Christ in repentance of not only carrying the gunk around, but, letting it change us.  Letting it make us bitter, letting it flavor our conversation, our attitudes, and our behavior.  And it pulls to us other gunk, everyone elses gunk!  We are filled with gunk before we know it.   And, life doesn’t work and we don’t know why. 

Repentance is a big word…..actually, a very scary word.  “If I repent, then I can’t do any more gunk!”  We think that it means that we have to make a conscious effort to do all things right.  Well, we do need to make a conscious effort, but, I personally won’t ever do everything right.  I’m not created that way.  I’m created to have an empty spot in my life that can only be filled with Christ….no one, and nothing else fills that void the way my Creator does.  So yes, I make a conscious effort to empty my gunk to allow room for Christ and who He is, letting Him fill the void and wash the gunk and I make a conscious effort to keep my gunk catcher, (another technical term,) clean.  To allow myself to be full of God’s word so that when the worlds gunk, or, my gunk starts attaching itself to me and changing me for the worse, I can recognize it and give my gunk to Christ to be cleansed, to be renewed. 

Only then can I love others, including those who have crushed me with their words or actions.  Only then, can I be free enough to care without barriers and without caution.  To freely give grace and freely love those that Christ loves, my……neighbor.  The attorney asked Christ….”Who is my neighbor?”  Christ answered with the parable of the good Samaritan who helped a stranger that had been beat up and robbed and left on the side of the road.  The Priest and the Levite crossed to the other side….they are the ones that judge, that condemn, that are arrogant in their rightness.  They are the ones who feel it is their job to call out the wrong in others.  To crucify others publicly.  One day we will all stand before God and He may ask about certain events, but, He already knows who we are, where our hearts were at that time and He will judge righteously. 

For me, I will continue to repent, to get washed, to clear off the gunk and I will continue to do those things that I know to be right.  To let God take care of the injustice, allowing me to love and give grace freely.  Christ answered, “He who showed mercy on him.”  To those who have ears to hear.  (Luke 10:29 – 37)

Daniel 4:8 Correcting the boss, or not.  Faithfulness in the workplace.

Daniel was called Belshazzar by Nebuchadnezzar.  He knew that his given name was Daniel, yet, he did not disrespect the king's title for him.  The king called him by the name of his god, and his title was, "Chief of the magicians,” In today's world we would take exception to that.  We would have corrected the king as to our correct name, and, we would have corrected him to let him know that we weren't magicians.  In fact we want our precise name and title to be given, we want to be honored for who we are, and yet Daniel was promoted by God because of his humility and his respect for the king’s authority.  Daniel may not have liked living where he was, being titled as he was, and being re-named as he was, but, he honored God by living in exactly those surroundings he was uncomfortable in, respecting the king, and doing the best he could at his job.  This is a huge step of faith.  To know God so well that it doesn't matter what we are called, what we are titled, and who has authority over us lets those around us know our God and His great love for us.    

It was because of Daniels faithfulness to both God and then the king that he flourished.  He didn't alert God as to how God was wrong in placing a devout Jew in a secular environment.  He didn't spend his days trying to escape his bonds and work.  He honored the king with his faithfulness and in so doing, honored God.  I want to model this life ethic.  In so doing, it would flow down to the rest of my life at home, in society, everywhere.  I wouldn't have to give my increase or promotion a second thought.  Because I was honoring God, I know He would take care of that.   

Welcome to America

During a recent business transaction, I had the good fortune to meet a refugee from Cuba.  My client was beautiful in appearance and mannerisms.   Her language to her daughter reflected a refined element not often heard in our country.  Even though she was not regarded as elite in our country, she carried dignity in her actions. 

As we talked, I found out that she had come to the US under the “one dry foot,” asylum policy, meaning that all the refugee’s had to do was get one dry foot onto US soil and they were given asylum.  When they landed in Florida, she immediately went to Catholic Charities who placed her in our neighborhood. 

When I asked how long it had taken her to find work, she told me it had taken her two weeks.  “Two weeks I said, that is not long at all, how did you find work so fast?”  She said, “In Cuba, I was a doctor with a full medical education, here, they don’t recognize my education so I must start over.”  “So, I went to an employment agency and they asked me, “What do you do, what do you have training in.”  “I told them, what do you need?  If you have dishes that need to be done, I’m a dishwasher, if you have floors that need to be cleaned, I’m a custodian, whatever you need done, I will do it.”

What an incredible attitude!  We struggle here with our rights, and will not work beneath what we feel we are worth.  We insist on our employers making us comfortable, giving us the benefits we deserve, respecting us, and making sure our “rights” are not violated or infringed on.  Yet, less than five decades ago, that work ethic was common, even standard for employees.   God uses others coming into our lives to rub off the rough edges, to remind us of higher standards, to bring us back to a memory of ethics and character.  

Thank you my friend from Cuba.  Welcome to America where you have already started to improve us with your attitude and your presence.  

Everyone Pays

As I sat in the kitchen chair, I put my head back against the wall and thought, “I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t continue on this way, I’m not strong enough.”  Had I thought more before I married, I would not be going through this now.  Sadly, many women find themselves in similar situations once they are married.  Did the abuse really start before the marriage?  Most likely.  There were signs, signals that were ignored.  Warnings from friends and family members, all pushed aside as I chose to ignore the red flags that signaled that several months later I would be sitting in our kitchen with my head against the wall pondering how to proceed.  At the core of the decision of how to proceed has to be concern for the children, both his and mine brought into this marriage.  Then, we consider our extended families, our joint friends, and our individual friends.  Everyone pays the price when domestic violence rears its ugly head.

Reviewing the short history of our relationship allowed me to realize that I was not a victim; I made choices that allowed this situation to present itself.  For me, I knew I had not chosen well.  After the wedding as I went to work within that first week as a sales rep for a local mortgage company I was telling some of the ladies at one of my accounts about my marriage.  When one of them asked, what his name was I spoke it and from around the corner a voice spoke loudly, “You married slippery?” 

Not all people who experience spousal domestic violence are women, not all are victims.  Some have made poor choices that with more forethought would have prevented domestic violence and the resulting family tragedies.  According to an article in Psychology Today by Ph.D. Lisa Firestone titled, “Why Domestic Violence Occurs and How To Stop It,” Firestone reviews that domestic violence is on the rise. The economy and financial pressures do contribute to spousal domestic violence, however the root cause is psychological in nature and in order to stop the cycle of abuse must be dealt with. 

One of the solutions Firestone mentions is a program called “Manalive,” which is a behavioral program for those incarcerated that teaches them how to recognize triggers and effectively negate the thought pattern that allows emotions to escalate to a point where abuse becomes the solution to the angst.  It also teaches the abuser to own their poor behavior and accept the accountability for their actions.  All society benefits when people own their behavior and accept the accountability for it.  I can affirm that when I accepted ownership of the choices I made that allowed domestic violence to be part of my family life it changed the choices I made and ultimately mine and my families’ future. 

In researching the different characteristics of spousal domestic violence, I found many sources group spousal domestic violence and non-marital domestic violence together and title it intimate partner violence.  Additionally some of the data includes child abuse and elder abuse which makes sense because domestic violence is born from the need of one person to control another and consequently requires a weaker individual to withstand the worst of the controller’s emotions.  In my situation, the abuser not only abused me but also attempted to abuse my son.  When he found he could not control me, he began to initiate angry discipline of my six-year-old son.  Fortunately, I was able to put an immediate stop to the physical abuse but the emotional scars were visible for many years.  Characteristics of domestic violence live within a cycle that increases in intensity and frequency followed by remorse and a short time of peace.  Everyone in the family unit pays and often the cost is carried on for generations.    

One of the major differences in spousal domestic violence is that in marriage there are more reasons to stay and accept abuse than to leave.  Because we need to “win,” in life, divorce feels as if others see it as failure and it feels to us as if we have failed.  While volunteering at a domestic violence shelter many years ago I found that one of the main reasons that women stay in an abusive marriage is because when they leave they usually must take the children.  Society frowns on a woman leaving a situation and leaving her children behind.  When she takes the children out of the home, they become angry with her.  While they did not care for the fighting and even felt fearful for their own personal safety at times, they at least knew the cycle and knew what they had.  Once they are taken from their home, unsure as to where they will go or how they will get by, they become angry and they assume the role of abuser.  The mom who is so frail from the abuse she endured during the marriage and is looking forward to surroundings that are more peaceful, finds that leaving the situation does not stop the abuse, it just changes the dynamics of who the abuser is.  Often the mom will return to the previous situation because of this new dynamic. 

The most common factors that can escalate domestic violence are money and a family history of violence.  Working in an industry of residential home loans for the last twenty-four years gives me insight into the damage that irresponsible spending has on families and our economy, and coupled with job loss or major medical incidence the formula for stress and marital discord reach an increased probability for abusive behavior.  It may start with verbal abuse and easily escalate to physical abuse. 

Much research has been done to change the way society deals with spousal domestic violence.  The bulk of the improvement comes from education, but not without obstacles.  The problem with education is who pays for it?  When is the best time to educate and how are the programs best administered.  As Firestone indicated, for those who are incarcerated education is a good solution.  They are a captive audience and providing them with the tools needed to allow them to navigate the range of human emotions improves them and their surroundings.  Adding these classes to existing curriculum allows for ease of implementation.  The solution is not as easily established with our current education system for children as teachers struggle with an overwhelming amount of material our children must learn and not enough time or resources to teach it.  According to some studies of international education, our children already lag behind in education compared to other nations so adding a class that is not mathematical, scientific, or language specific does little to improve scoring.  Lower test scoring affects their bottom line, their paycheck.    

There are additional difficulties with other systems that may reduce spousal domestic violence.  Two other areas that would most certainly offer improvement are both family and community support and involvement.  Again, with current budgetary constraints, where does the funding come from for community programs?  Additionally, with either family or community support programs there are many who will not want to become involved in other family members or community members business. 

Social status affects how domestic violence is view and changed because affluent members of society are able to handle these issues discreetly while lower income individuals must rely on more basic social programs such as local police and social workers.  Only when we respect life in others and ourselves, teach it, and model it in society will domestic violence begin to reduce the number of victims. 

 

He Knew What it Was Like

Why Me Lord?

He knew what it was like,

To anticipate death,

A cancer not within,

But without, in society.

He knew what it was like,

To be passionate,

And meet cold indifference.

He knew what it was like,

To cry lonely tears,

Racking sobs that no one heard,

And knew no one cared.

He knew what it was like,

To be discouraged,

To hope against hope,

That this world would respond.

He knew what it was like,

To pray seemingly unanswered prayers,

Desperate to see some sign of response.

He knew what it was like,

To be judged, condemned,

Ridiculed, and scourged,

By those he was trying to help.

What pain was greater?

The ripping of His flesh,

Or the tearing of His heart?

Yet, with all of this,

He walked with grace,

dignity, and courage,

To lay down His life,

A ransom for many,

True forgiveness for the taking.

Precious Friend

Betty Salas

I wasn’t sure that I would have the courage or the strength to speak to you today about Betty, but then I remembered so many of our conversations and the instructions she would give me on how she wanted things done and there was no way I was going to be the one that didn’t follow Betty’s instructions! Betty knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it done and there was no arguing with her. You just did as she wanted and everything was good! Several weeks ago I was visiting Betty and she was uncomfortable but still wanted things in the room shifted around. She had me busy for about the first 20 minutes I was there, and as I was finishing getting a pillow by her feet straight, I looked up at her just as she told me, “You follow directions pretty good.” I told her I was not going to be the one that didn’t follow her directions, and then we laughed like crazy. When we worked together at the base branch of the credit union, I might have had the title, but Bet was really the boss. She graciously let me hold the title while she made sure everything worked just like it was supposed to. There were times working with Bet that you would end up laughing so hard you would cry. You’d have to walk away from each other just so you could stop the giggles. Bet loved her job and she never missed a day unless she could not physically get into the building. She cared about everything that same way, including the loves of her life, her husband and family.

One day at work, I was behind the teller line and answered the phone because Betty had a member. It was Richard on the phone and he told me to tell Betty that he wasn’t going. I asked him what he was talking about and he said, “Just tell her I’m not going.” Well, I started to put down the phone to tell Bet, and then told him, “I’m not telling her that.” He said, “It’s okay, just tell her I’m not going and see what she says.” I told him, “Okay, it’s your funeral.” So, I told Betty, “Bet, Richard is on the phone for you and he says he isn’t going.” Without even looking up from her task or missing a beat in helping the member she said, “Tell him Oh yes he is going and I’ll let him know when we are going!” She knew exactly what he was talking about. Before she came to work that day, she had called in a radio station and won tickets for the river of lights and Richard had heard her win them. That is what 47 years of marriage does; it makes a bond so tight that sometimes words don’t have to be spoken. It also makes a bond so tight that only death will separate the two that God has joined together. Both Richard and Bet, kept that promise to each other.

Bet loved to pray and to be prayed for. Everyday while she was waiting for the credit union to open, she would pray for all those in her care, her family and her friends, anyone that she knew needed prayer. Anytime anything went wrong or anybody needed prayer, Bet and I would pray over the situation. When she got sick again, she was at peace with the fact that she might die. One of the last times I prayed with her, I told her that I was praying for her all the time and she told me that she was praying for her too. She said, “I have been praying a lot for myself.” That is the only time I heard her speak of praying for herself. Even in prayers, she prayed for others first and herself second. I have always believed that when we pray for others, God always takes care of the prayers we need for ourselves. Many times I have needed prayer and someone has called to let me know that they are praying for me, without even knowing why I need prayer. I am confident that God did the same for Bet during her illness.

The good news is that we will see Betty again. The Bible tells us that for those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior and Lord of their life, that to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ.

2 Corinthians chapter 5 verses 1 through 8, “1.For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven. 3. if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 6. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord. 7. For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”

Our bodies were only meant for a temporary dwelling for our spirits. There are many more verses in the Bible that explain an eternity in Heaven with Christ and you can know today that like Betty, your eternity will be in Heaven.

I envision Bet dancing in Heaven, she did love to dance. One of the last Christmas parties she went to she was sore for 2 days because of all the dancing she did! She has no pain, no sickness, her tent has been further clothed and her mortality has been swallowed up by life, eternal life because she trusted in Christ as her Savior! I also believe she will continue in prayer for those who need prayer and her prayers now go directly to the throne on our behalf.

When Bet gave me my instructions, she asked me to speak her eulogy and a prayer. To honor her final wishes, I have written this prayer for her. I don’t want anyone to tell her I didn’t do as I was told!!

Heavenly Father,

You gave us a woman who embodied the highest definition of compassion and caring.

Who chose time and time again to go out of her way to comfort, encourage, teach, and laugh.

A woman you gave your wisdom to sort through the meaningless details to get to the heart of a matter.

A woman whose dislike for clutter was at times the beginning of laughter so hard that we cried.

A woman so focused and direct that no one ever had any doubt what she wanted.

A woman who was not shy about making things right and giving insight into exactly what someone had done wrong.

A woman who was fearless defending those that could not defend themselves when life had knocked them down.

A woman who loved her family and her friends with a love so loyal that no one ever doubted she cared about them.

A woman, whose trust once earned, gave us the privilege of being invited in to share a part of life with her.

A woman who always made room at her table for us.

Each person here Lord, will take with them a part of the precious life that you created especially for us in the person of Betty Salas.

From her, we learned what is most important in life, God first, family and friends next and everything else after that.

And, as we learn to walk this life without her, give us peace Father, your peace, and time to remember all that she meant to us until we see her again in Heaven, and we will see her again.

Bet, you told me that you would be honored to have me speak at your service and while I don’t normally disagree with you, it is I who am honored to speak about you and your life well lived. I love you Bet.