Everyone Pays

As I sat in the kitchen chair, I put my head back against the wall and thought, “I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t continue on this way, I’m not strong enough.”  Had I thought more before I married, I would not be going through this now.  Sadly, many women find themselves in similar situations once they are married.  Did the abuse really start before the marriage?  Most likely.  There were signs, signals that were ignored.  Warnings from friends and family members, all pushed aside as I chose to ignore the red flags that signaled that several months later I would be sitting in our kitchen with my head against the wall pondering how to proceed.  At the core of the decision of how to proceed has to be concern for the children, both his and mine brought into this marriage.  Then, we consider our extended families, our joint friends, and our individual friends.  Everyone pays the price when domestic violence rears its ugly head.

Reviewing the short history of our relationship allowed me to realize that I was not a victim; I made choices that allowed this situation to present itself.  For me, I knew I had not chosen well.  After the wedding as I went to work within that first week as a sales rep for a local mortgage company I was telling some of the ladies at one of my accounts about my marriage.  When one of them asked, what his name was I spoke it and from around the corner a voice spoke loudly, “You married slippery?” 

Not all people who experience spousal domestic violence are women, not all are victims.  Some have made poor choices that with more forethought would have prevented domestic violence and the resulting family tragedies.  According to an article in Psychology Today by Ph.D. Lisa Firestone titled, “Why Domestic Violence Occurs and How To Stop It,” Firestone reviews that domestic violence is on the rise. The economy and financial pressures do contribute to spousal domestic violence, however the root cause is psychological in nature and in order to stop the cycle of abuse must be dealt with. 

One of the solutions Firestone mentions is a program called “Manalive,” which is a behavioral program for those incarcerated that teaches them how to recognize triggers and effectively negate the thought pattern that allows emotions to escalate to a point where abuse becomes the solution to the angst.  It also teaches the abuser to own their poor behavior and accept the accountability for their actions.  All society benefits when people own their behavior and accept the accountability for it.  I can affirm that when I accepted ownership of the choices I made that allowed domestic violence to be part of my family life it changed the choices I made and ultimately mine and my families’ future. 

In researching the different characteristics of spousal domestic violence, I found many sources group spousal domestic violence and non-marital domestic violence together and title it intimate partner violence.  Additionally some of the data includes child abuse and elder abuse which makes sense because domestic violence is born from the need of one person to control another and consequently requires a weaker individual to withstand the worst of the controller’s emotions.  In my situation, the abuser not only abused me but also attempted to abuse my son.  When he found he could not control me, he began to initiate angry discipline of my six-year-old son.  Fortunately, I was able to put an immediate stop to the physical abuse but the emotional scars were visible for many years.  Characteristics of domestic violence live within a cycle that increases in intensity and frequency followed by remorse and a short time of peace.  Everyone in the family unit pays and often the cost is carried on for generations.    

One of the major differences in spousal domestic violence is that in marriage there are more reasons to stay and accept abuse than to leave.  Because we need to “win,” in life, divorce feels as if others see it as failure and it feels to us as if we have failed.  While volunteering at a domestic violence shelter many years ago I found that one of the main reasons that women stay in an abusive marriage is because when they leave they usually must take the children.  Society frowns on a woman leaving a situation and leaving her children behind.  When she takes the children out of the home, they become angry with her.  While they did not care for the fighting and even felt fearful for their own personal safety at times, they at least knew the cycle and knew what they had.  Once they are taken from their home, unsure as to where they will go or how they will get by, they become angry and they assume the role of abuser.  The mom who is so frail from the abuse she endured during the marriage and is looking forward to surroundings that are more peaceful, finds that leaving the situation does not stop the abuse, it just changes the dynamics of who the abuser is.  Often the mom will return to the previous situation because of this new dynamic. 

The most common factors that can escalate domestic violence are money and a family history of violence.  Working in an industry of residential home loans for the last twenty-four years gives me insight into the damage that irresponsible spending has on families and our economy, and coupled with job loss or major medical incidence the formula for stress and marital discord reach an increased probability for abusive behavior.  It may start with verbal abuse and easily escalate to physical abuse. 

Much research has been done to change the way society deals with spousal domestic violence.  The bulk of the improvement comes from education, but not without obstacles.  The problem with education is who pays for it?  When is the best time to educate and how are the programs best administered.  As Firestone indicated, for those who are incarcerated education is a good solution.  They are a captive audience and providing them with the tools needed to allow them to navigate the range of human emotions improves them and their surroundings.  Adding these classes to existing curriculum allows for ease of implementation.  The solution is not as easily established with our current education system for children as teachers struggle with an overwhelming amount of material our children must learn and not enough time or resources to teach it.  According to some studies of international education, our children already lag behind in education compared to other nations so adding a class that is not mathematical, scientific, or language specific does little to improve scoring.  Lower test scoring affects their bottom line, their paycheck.    

There are additional difficulties with other systems that may reduce spousal domestic violence.  Two other areas that would most certainly offer improvement are both family and community support and involvement.  Again, with current budgetary constraints, where does the funding come from for community programs?  Additionally, with either family or community support programs there are many who will not want to become involved in other family members or community members business. 

Social status affects how domestic violence is view and changed because affluent members of society are able to handle these issues discreetly while lower income individuals must rely on more basic social programs such as local police and social workers.  Only when we respect life in others and ourselves, teach it, and model it in society will domestic violence begin to reduce the number of victims. 

 

He Knew What it Was Like

Why Me Lord?

He knew what it was like,

To anticipate death,

A cancer not within,

But without, in society.

He knew what it was like,

To be passionate,

And meet cold indifference.

He knew what it was like,

To cry lonely tears,

Racking sobs that no one heard,

And knew no one cared.

He knew what it was like,

To be discouraged,

To hope against hope,

That this world would respond.

He knew what it was like,

To pray seemingly unanswered prayers,

Desperate to see some sign of response.

He knew what it was like,

To be judged, condemned,

Ridiculed, and scourged,

By those he was trying to help.

What pain was greater?

The ripping of His flesh,

Or the tearing of His heart?

Yet, with all of this,

He walked with grace,

dignity, and courage,

To lay down His life,

A ransom for many,

True forgiveness for the taking.

Precious Friend

Betty Salas

I wasn’t sure that I would have the courage or the strength to speak to you today about Betty, but then I remembered so many of our conversations and the instructions she would give me on how she wanted things done and there was no way I was going to be the one that didn’t follow Betty’s instructions! Betty knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it done and there was no arguing with her. You just did as she wanted and everything was good! Several weeks ago I was visiting Betty and she was uncomfortable but still wanted things in the room shifted around. She had me busy for about the first 20 minutes I was there, and as I was finishing getting a pillow by her feet straight, I looked up at her just as she told me, “You follow directions pretty good.” I told her I was not going to be the one that didn’t follow her directions, and then we laughed like crazy. When we worked together at the base branch of the credit union, I might have had the title, but Bet was really the boss. She graciously let me hold the title while she made sure everything worked just like it was supposed to. There were times working with Bet that you would end up laughing so hard you would cry. You’d have to walk away from each other just so you could stop the giggles. Bet loved her job and she never missed a day unless she could not physically get into the building. She cared about everything that same way, including the loves of her life, her husband and family.

One day at work, I was behind the teller line and answered the phone because Betty had a member. It was Richard on the phone and he told me to tell Betty that he wasn’t going. I asked him what he was talking about and he said, “Just tell her I’m not going.” Well, I started to put down the phone to tell Bet, and then told him, “I’m not telling her that.” He said, “It’s okay, just tell her I’m not going and see what she says.” I told him, “Okay, it’s your funeral.” So, I told Betty, “Bet, Richard is on the phone for you and he says he isn’t going.” Without even looking up from her task or missing a beat in helping the member she said, “Tell him Oh yes he is going and I’ll let him know when we are going!” She knew exactly what he was talking about. Before she came to work that day, she had called in a radio station and won tickets for the river of lights and Richard had heard her win them. That is what 47 years of marriage does; it makes a bond so tight that sometimes words don’t have to be spoken. It also makes a bond so tight that only death will separate the two that God has joined together. Both Richard and Bet, kept that promise to each other.

Bet loved to pray and to be prayed for. Everyday while she was waiting for the credit union to open, she would pray for all those in her care, her family and her friends, anyone that she knew needed prayer. Anytime anything went wrong or anybody needed prayer, Bet and I would pray over the situation. When she got sick again, she was at peace with the fact that she might die. One of the last times I prayed with her, I told her that I was praying for her all the time and she told me that she was praying for her too. She said, “I have been praying a lot for myself.” That is the only time I heard her speak of praying for herself. Even in prayers, she prayed for others first and herself second. I have always believed that when we pray for others, God always takes care of the prayers we need for ourselves. Many times I have needed prayer and someone has called to let me know that they are praying for me, without even knowing why I need prayer. I am confident that God did the same for Bet during her illness.

The good news is that we will see Betty again. The Bible tells us that for those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior and Lord of their life, that to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ.

2 Corinthians chapter 5 verses 1 through 8, “1.For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven. 3. if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 6. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord. 7. For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”

Our bodies were only meant for a temporary dwelling for our spirits. There are many more verses in the Bible that explain an eternity in Heaven with Christ and you can know today that like Betty, your eternity will be in Heaven.

I envision Bet dancing in Heaven, she did love to dance. One of the last Christmas parties she went to she was sore for 2 days because of all the dancing she did! She has no pain, no sickness, her tent has been further clothed and her mortality has been swallowed up by life, eternal life because she trusted in Christ as her Savior! I also believe she will continue in prayer for those who need prayer and her prayers now go directly to the throne on our behalf.

When Bet gave me my instructions, she asked me to speak her eulogy and a prayer. To honor her final wishes, I have written this prayer for her. I don’t want anyone to tell her I didn’t do as I was told!!

Heavenly Father,

You gave us a woman who embodied the highest definition of compassion and caring.

Who chose time and time again to go out of her way to comfort, encourage, teach, and laugh.

A woman you gave your wisdom to sort through the meaningless details to get to the heart of a matter.

A woman whose dislike for clutter was at times the beginning of laughter so hard that we cried.

A woman so focused and direct that no one ever had any doubt what she wanted.

A woman who was not shy about making things right and giving insight into exactly what someone had done wrong.

A woman who was fearless defending those that could not defend themselves when life had knocked them down.

A woman who loved her family and her friends with a love so loyal that no one ever doubted she cared about them.

A woman, whose trust once earned, gave us the privilege of being invited in to share a part of life with her.

A woman who always made room at her table for us.

Each person here Lord, will take with them a part of the precious life that you created especially for us in the person of Betty Salas.

From her, we learned what is most important in life, God first, family and friends next and everything else after that.

And, as we learn to walk this life without her, give us peace Father, your peace, and time to remember all that she meant to us until we see her again in Heaven, and we will see her again.

Bet, you told me that you would be honored to have me speak at your service and while I don’t normally disagree with you, it is I who am honored to speak about you and your life well lived. I love you Bet.

My Summer Vacation

My Summer Vacation

By Rachel Donovan

Grade 13

I had only been in Texas for about 20 minutes when I stopped to let the dogs out to exercise their legs and go pee. The air was warm and damp and as I opened the back door of my SUV, I was swarmed by mosquitoes and bitten 4 times as I tried to get untwisted from the dog leashes as they headed in different directions. Not a good sign of things to come for a 2 ½ week stay in Texas. The drive took 14 hours and it was good to see my Aunts house already occupied by my sister. Every morning was an exercise in futility as we pulled different muscles trying to gracefully roll out of the air mattresses set up on the floor. Peg sometimes shared her “nest” with Thunder who always got way more room than Peg did. He would start out in the corner but within a few hours had taken over the bed. Those were some good sleeping days for him. Often when we would come back inside during the day, he would be in the nest relaxing!

We spent the first week taking back the house and the grounds from the critters and getting the house presentable with long sweat soaked work days in 90+ humid temperatures and a heat index of 100. Several times I was able to totally prank Peg like dad used to prank mom, pulling her landscape cloth away when she was trying to line it up or spraying her with the hose when she wasn’t looking. Several times, Peg was able to make me jump just by walking up behind me while I was concentrating on my work, which also made her jump and us both laugh. Valentine would find different ways to undo the work we were doing by digging holes in the freshly laid dirt while hunting for lizards or sneaking out of the closed gates and visiting neighbors. She is truly an escape artist and bungee cords are my friends for life.

We both had different injuries as the other tried unsuccessfully to hold back the laughter. Peg’s as she scraped off her new toenail polish slipping on the wet concrete I had just cleaned off and me as I dropped the small sledge hammer on my foot and the crow bar on my shin that we were using to put up our “For Sale” sign with car sale flag banners. When I looked over at Peg to explain why I was yelping in pain, I could see her visibly trying to hold back the laughter as she listened and tried unsuccessfully to act concerned. We ended up with numerous bruises, blisters, bites and calluses along with who knows how much dirt/bugs were ingested from an open mouth while working hard. I know I ate my share!!

We had lots of exciting adventures like when we loaded the tractor onto the trailer to take it for repair and Peg took a long ride up the ramps, or we took adventure routes listening to Garmin and ended up at a gas station 40 miles away instead of the landscape place 10 minutes away to pick up rock. Or, when we were showing the house and pointing out the beautiful scenery view, Thunder decided to go poop right in line with the view. There was excellent food on the days we went out to eat and visible relief when we got the sewers unplugged and won the war with the wasps and rolly poly bugs. I would like to express my appreciation to George Foreman, Black Flag, and Roto Rooter for making our visit comfortable. Peg would have preferred a kinder, gentler spray for the bugs but I had no qualms at all about killing as many pests as I could in a single, lightening swift spray of the can.

I never thought I could be sore in sooooo many places at the same time but being so tired at the end of the day made the sleep sweet. We started each day with coffee and aspirins! And, we were surprised at all the idioms of mom’s we ended up using like, “I’m coming alive,” or, “This is the best meal I’ve ever had!” or, “What big orangutan screwed this on?” We realized how we had been callous as kids laughing at the pain age brings with it. All in all, we were able to fix as many things as broke when we used them and leave the house far better than we found it. From the beginning of this trip, I prayed daily for courage, wisdom and understanding – in that order, and God really delivered! We took on more than we thought possible and succeeded far beyond our expectations, met some great folks, businesses and restaurants and had many more good days than bad.

We are planning our next vacation adventure now and that is my summer vacation story.

Grace, a real time example.

"Seabiscuit" is a great movie displaying how Grace works in everyday situations.

One of my favorite parts is the owner of the horse, jockey and trainer saying, "Its fine Tom, you don't throw away a whole life just because it's a little banged up." That is Grace; accepting that we all are a little banged up in one fashion or another. Grace says, "That's okay, you are still valuable to me."
The movie shows 4 losers - according to human standards that is, a man who lost his son and wife, a trainer thought to be a crackpot, a beat up horse trained to lose races and a jockey making huge mistakes causing both physical and emotional scars. Grace allowed them to pick themselves up and try again. What the world saw next was a team of winners. The whole time, Grace saw winners in need of a second chance.

Loving Those you Care For

Often, we think that True Love is that gushy feeling we get when someone we are attracted to returns our affection. That is not true love. True love, the love that lasts for decades is loving someone enough to put their needs above our desires. We must love them enough to put our desires on the rung below their needs, not their desires. The thing we get wrong about love is we tend to think that giving someone what they want is love. We are so anxious to have our own desires met, one of which is affection being returned, that we give and promise those things we can not or should not give believing that it will not only show another that we love them, but that affection will be reciprocated. Those things that we need in life are very much different than those things we desire. We desire candy that is neither good for us or positive in its benefits yet when someone gives us candy we say, "They must care for me because I wanted candy and they gave it to me."

As a recipient of love, we must love the other enough to say, "I would like to accept your gift, however, if you give this gift to me, it will create a burden for you. Even without this gift, I will reciprocate affection and accept your generous thought as though it were here and now, because my desire is to do what is best for you above my own desires. That is love. Each loving the other enough that burdens are not created, stress is eliminated and life becomes simple. We can trust in a love like that because we are confident that all will benefit equally from the relationship. We can trust in a love like that because we know the other has our best interest at heart. We can trust in a love like that because it is simple everyday actions that reinforce that both are willing to make concessions in the area of desire.

Love is an iron clad commitment of the will that says, "No matter what, I will be here for you to help you through," and then doing it. Love is work, a commitment to work out the rough spots. Love is work fighting against our own desires that try to preempt caring more for someone else. When we ask ourselves, "Who will benefit from this," anything with an answer less than, "Everyone equally with no additional burden," is not love, not the kind of love that we should try to model. 1 Corinthians 13:5 "Love, does not seek its own." 1 Corinthians 10:24 "Let no one seek his own, but each one the others well-being." No better definition of love exists.

Division - Promote it, or diminish it

When we find others that disagree with us over various topics, we have a choice to promote it, by passing it along to others which only increases the division and adds people to the divided camp, or, we have another option, one that few of us take because it requires a commitment of time and effort. We can choose to diminish the division, one person at a time; we can step outside of our comfort zone and ask them why they believe what they do. When we hear them begin to answer, we don't need to immediately form a debate to defend our own beliefs. We can walk a mile with them, in their understanding and have them show us, where they got their information. Together, we can check the source of it and see if there is merit to it, and if there is, then we both have learned something. If there isn't merit to it, we both have learned as well. We have probably learned that those that do not believe the way we do, are still kind, generous human beings that deserve respect and should have a voice to disagree with us. We have probably learned that we are more alike than different and as such, can form a friendship based on a respect for our differences. How much better would our world be if each one of us were to ask another why, not as a challenge, but as a sincere effort to understand one another and mend our battle scarred country that has been hijacked by those who do choose to divide rather than mend. Who will you be?