Everyone Pays

As I sat in the kitchen chair, I put my head back against the wall and thought, “I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t continue on this way, I’m not strong enough.”  Had I thought more before I married, I would not be going through this now.  Sadly, many women find themselves in similar situations once they are married.  Did the abuse really start before the marriage?  Most likely.  There were signs, signals that were ignored.  Warnings from friends and family members, all pushed aside as I chose to ignore the red flags that signaled that several months later I would be sitting in our kitchen with my head against the wall pondering how to proceed.  At the core of the decision of how to proceed has to be concern for the children, both his and mine brought into this marriage.  Then, we consider our extended families, our joint friends, and our individual friends.  Everyone pays the price when domestic violence rears its ugly head.

Reviewing the short history of our relationship allowed me to realize that I was not a victim; I made choices that allowed this situation to present itself.  For me, I knew I had not chosen well.  After the wedding as I went to work within that first week as a sales rep for a local mortgage company I was telling some of the ladies at one of my accounts about my marriage.  When one of them asked, what his name was I spoke it and from around the corner a voice spoke loudly, “You married slippery?” 

Not all people who experience spousal domestic violence are women, not all are victims.  Some have made poor choices that with more forethought would have prevented domestic violence and the resulting family tragedies.  According to an article in Psychology Today by Ph.D. Lisa Firestone titled, “Why Domestic Violence Occurs and How To Stop It,” Firestone reviews that domestic violence is on the rise. The economy and financial pressures do contribute to spousal domestic violence, however the root cause is psychological in nature and in order to stop the cycle of abuse must be dealt with. 

One of the solutions Firestone mentions is a program called “Manalive,” which is a behavioral program for those incarcerated that teaches them how to recognize triggers and effectively negate the thought pattern that allows emotions to escalate to a point where abuse becomes the solution to the angst.  It also teaches the abuser to own their poor behavior and accept the accountability for their actions.  All society benefits when people own their behavior and accept the accountability for it.  I can affirm that when I accepted ownership of the choices I made that allowed domestic violence to be part of my family life it changed the choices I made and ultimately mine and my families’ future. 

In researching the different characteristics of spousal domestic violence, I found many sources group spousal domestic violence and non-marital domestic violence together and title it intimate partner violence.  Additionally some of the data includes child abuse and elder abuse which makes sense because domestic violence is born from the need of one person to control another and consequently requires a weaker individual to withstand the worst of the controller’s emotions.  In my situation, the abuser not only abused me but also attempted to abuse my son.  When he found he could not control me, he began to initiate angry discipline of my six-year-old son.  Fortunately, I was able to put an immediate stop to the physical abuse but the emotional scars were visible for many years.  Characteristics of domestic violence live within a cycle that increases in intensity and frequency followed by remorse and a short time of peace.  Everyone in the family unit pays and often the cost is carried on for generations.    

One of the major differences in spousal domestic violence is that in marriage there are more reasons to stay and accept abuse than to leave.  Because we need to “win,” in life, divorce feels as if others see it as failure and it feels to us as if we have failed.  While volunteering at a domestic violence shelter many years ago I found that one of the main reasons that women stay in an abusive marriage is because when they leave they usually must take the children.  Society frowns on a woman leaving a situation and leaving her children behind.  When she takes the children out of the home, they become angry with her.  While they did not care for the fighting and even felt fearful for their own personal safety at times, they at least knew the cycle and knew what they had.  Once they are taken from their home, unsure as to where they will go or how they will get by, they become angry and they assume the role of abuser.  The mom who is so frail from the abuse she endured during the marriage and is looking forward to surroundings that are more peaceful, finds that leaving the situation does not stop the abuse, it just changes the dynamics of who the abuser is.  Often the mom will return to the previous situation because of this new dynamic. 

The most common factors that can escalate domestic violence are money and a family history of violence.  Working in an industry of residential home loans for the last twenty-four years gives me insight into the damage that irresponsible spending has on families and our economy, and coupled with job loss or major medical incidence the formula for stress and marital discord reach an increased probability for abusive behavior.  It may start with verbal abuse and easily escalate to physical abuse. 

Much research has been done to change the way society deals with spousal domestic violence.  The bulk of the improvement comes from education, but not without obstacles.  The problem with education is who pays for it?  When is the best time to educate and how are the programs best administered.  As Firestone indicated, for those who are incarcerated education is a good solution.  They are a captive audience and providing them with the tools needed to allow them to navigate the range of human emotions improves them and their surroundings.  Adding these classes to existing curriculum allows for ease of implementation.  The solution is not as easily established with our current education system for children as teachers struggle with an overwhelming amount of material our children must learn and not enough time or resources to teach it.  According to some studies of international education, our children already lag behind in education compared to other nations so adding a class that is not mathematical, scientific, or language specific does little to improve scoring.  Lower test scoring affects their bottom line, their paycheck.    

There are additional difficulties with other systems that may reduce spousal domestic violence.  Two other areas that would most certainly offer improvement are both family and community support and involvement.  Again, with current budgetary constraints, where does the funding come from for community programs?  Additionally, with either family or community support programs there are many who will not want to become involved in other family members or community members business. 

Social status affects how domestic violence is view and changed because affluent members of society are able to handle these issues discreetly while lower income individuals must rely on more basic social programs such as local police and social workers.  Only when we respect life in others and ourselves, teach it, and model it in society will domestic violence begin to reduce the number of victims.